


Home Wrecker

by TheZ1337



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Amnesia, Anal Sex, Armitage Hux Needs A Hug, Cologne, Cutting, Dubiously Consensual Blow Jobs, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, First Time, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Minor Injuries, Minor Kylo Ren/Rey, Poor Hux, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Top Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-29 22:28:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12094800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheZ1337/pseuds/TheZ1337
Summary: Ben Solo and Armitage Hux get in a car accident on the way back to their university. When Ben wakes up with almost complete memory loss, Hux decides to do what's best for Ben, by getting out of his life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Implied and explicit self harm (cutting) on Hux's part.

The road was nearly deserted at this hour. It was just after eleven o'clock on a Saturday night, and a rare pair of headlights could be seen every so often passing each other. A large black SUV drove the speed limit around corners, taking each one in stride. The couple inside played the music on low as they laughed together.

Hux sat behind the steering wheel of Ben's car, technically it was  _the Senator's_  car but Hux had demanded he chauffeur Ben around on their first  _official,_  real, adult date. Ben was ranting about the movie they'd just seen, how amazing it was and that they'd definitely have to watch it when it came out on DVD.

"I'm going to pre-order it, that was like-"

"The best, absolutely. In the trilogy? They won't be able to outdo it."

"Absolutely not. Oh my god. And that dinner-"

"You liked it?" Hux glanced over. He'd chosen his favorite Italian place in town, and they'd split a pasta dishes. Ben nodded.

"The tiramisu was amazing."

Hux reached over, a hand on the top of Ben's thigh. He stroked a thumb there, taking his eyes off the road for a split second to smile in Ben's direction. Ben picked up his fingers and Hux looked back at the road before Ben began to suck them. Hux hummed, "I like that," he whispered.

"Yeah?" Ben muttered back, eyes on Hux. He watched Hux smile as they passed street lamps. They came around a dark turn, Hux slowing slightly as he kept his eyes on the road.

A car horn blared in their direction as a vehicle came whizzing around the turn. It cut them off, Hux swerving into the opposing lane to avoid the car. The unknown vehicle skidded along the metal guard railing in the lane they'd just been in, and Hux and Ben went whizzing off the road.

Hux slammed on the breaks, but it wasn't enough. The car flipped over, rolling side over side down the shallow hill, spraying grass and dirt in every direction. It came to an abrupt, jerking stop against an old tree at the bottom of the hill, and the car landed on its roof.

The two front airbags deployed, one of the side ones blowing up too. Regardless, glass shattered around them until they came to a halt, the cars front lights flickering out, back ones staying lit.

Hux groaned as he raised his hands up, technically down, to feel the roof of the car below him. Immediately he felt the whiplash in his neck, and the bruising along his chest from the seat belt. He glanced over at Ben with one eye, glass in his face and neck, stinging his senses in little shards. Ben was buckled in, but unmoving.

Hux reached down, unbuckling his seatbelt and his whole body caved towards the ground. He pulled himself out the open car window, smashing some with his sleeve and with another groan, he crawled out. His hands got sliced over shards of glass as he did so. He looked up the hill, squinting up to where he heard a car horn perpetually going off and he could see the faint reflection of lights.

He crawled around the car, calling weakly as he did so, "Ben." He got to the passenger side, and reached in. "Ben, wake up."

He undid Ben's seatbelt, the body slumping down just as his own had done. Hux knew he shouldn't move Ben, that he could cause further damage, but he couldn't just  _leave him there_ , hanging upside down like that. So he wrapped an arm around Ben's chest, and heaved him out of the car. He laid Ben out flat on his back, groaning next to him as he too rolled over to face the treetop canopy.

"Ben," he whispered. But Ben wasn't rousing. Hux fumbled feebly in his pants pocket to pull out his phone. He squinted, seeing the numbers in a blur but good enough to dial 9-1-1.

He let his head fall back on the cold grass, the night around them just as still as before.

"Hello, 9-1-1 Emergency dispatch."

"Hello, yes, I've just been in a car accident."

"Okay sir, are there any casualties?"

"No, I don't- I don't think so." Hux sat up suddenly, and pressed his two fingers to Ben's pulse just under his chin.

"You don't think so or you don't know?"

"I don't... my friend, he's breathing. There was another car."

"Can you give me your location?"

"Yeah, we're... in a ditch. There's another car, I think he crashed too."

"What road were you on?"

"Highway 94, near the Target."

"And which direction were you headed?"

"Towards the college, um, I think... west? I'm not sure."

"Okay, and you said there was another car?"

"Yeah, he's- I think he crashed too."

"And where is the car now?"

"On the road. I can hear his horn. Please hurry."

"I'm sending someone right now, just relax. If you can, don't move your friend-"

"I already did."

"Okay, well don't move him any further. You may want to step away from the vehicle though."

"I- I don't want to leave him," Hux's voice cracked. He finally looked back over at Ben and could see his face in the red glow of the tail lights. He had a gash across his right cheek, bits of glass stuck in his face just like Hux. But he was much bloodier, and unconscious. Hux let out a quiet whimper.

"Someone is on their way right now sir, okay?"

"Okay," he whimpered again. Then he was left alone to fret over the only good thing in his life, and the only thing that couldn't comfort him in his moment of need.


	2. Chapter 2

The ambulance showed up first, followed by a cop car, then another, then a few more. The driver who'd driven them off the road was found passed out drunk behind his steering wheel. Hux was scolded by the EMT's that he shouldn't have moved his friend, Hux apologized and said Ben had been driving. Ben's responses were good, but he was still unconscious so they loaded him up onto a stretcher and took him up the hill.

The police closed the road for the Investigators, and Hux was given a breathalizer. They asked if he'd had a drink, maybe one at dinner he told them, he wasn't sure. He hoped he wasn't drunk, he couldn't recall. He blew a 0.00, and the first officer on scene brought him to the hospital where Ben was in critical condition.

Hux walked in stiffly, hands in his pockets, shivering from the cold outside. He'd left his jacket discarded in the back seat of the car, covered in glass. He was patched up, a few bandages on his face and hands. He walked up to the window of the Emergency Room.

"Um, yes, I was just in a car accident. The cops dropped me off, my friend was brought here. Um, Ben solo. About this tall-" he held up his hand a full head higher than him.

"Oh yes, dark hair, he was on a stretcher?" The nurse behind the window said.

"Yes, yeah, that's him."

"Hold on just one moment." She typed up something fast on the computer, and scrolled down. "He's currently in the ICU, not accepting visitors until his condition has stabilized."

"Oh, o-okay." Hux shivered again, cracking apart. He was unstable, and all alone in some white washed hall that smelled like bleach. And Hux was out in the waiting room, and couldn't help Ben. Hux must have looked desperate, shattered at the thought of his  _friend_  being so injured. The nurse wheeled away to say something to one of the other nurses, who got up from her stool.

"One of our nurses will be right out to speak to you."

"Thanks," Hux muttered. He turned to the door where, a second later, a nurse walked out with a clip board in hand.

"Hi there, you're with the young man who just came in?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, I'd like to get some information from you."

She sat down with him in the waiting room, and took down some information. Name, date of birth, height, weight, allergies to any medications, emergency contact info, etc. No he didn't do drugs, no Ben hadn't been drunk. Hux pulled out Ben's phone, hesitating.

It was locked, but he knew the pass code. He dialed it in, and scrolled to Leia's number. He recited it to the nurse, who jotted it down. "I'll give her a call and see if we can get a hold of her. Until his next of kin can be located, would you be willing to take responsibility for him should he reach a critical state?"

"What? Yeah, I- okay. Sure."

The nurse flipped over the clipboard, and Hux tried to read the fine print. They were going to put him in charge of Ben's life, his entire existence. The pen hovered over the dotted line, trying to skim the fine print but his mind was hazy, his body settling into confusion and shock. He signed a scribbled signature, and handed it back to the nurse who dated it for him.

"Great. I'll give his mother a call, and come out to give you an update when I have one."

"How long do you think it'll take?"

"As long as it needs." She stood up, then offered in a kinder tone. "Can I offer you a blanket? You look pretty beat up."

"Yeah that- that'd be great."

It took her 20 minutes to get him a blanket, and he was grateful for its warmth as he wrapped it around his shoulders, settling into his uncomfortable plastic chair.

Hux stared at his phone in his lap, hand unmoving. He'd swerved off the road, nearly caused Ben to die. Now what was he supposed to do? He was all alone, with nobody to call.

Over the past six weeks since he and Ben had been dating, all his friends had disowned him. After he  _stole_  Ben away from Rey,  _homewrecker_ they whispered behind his back, they no longer wanted anything to do with the cheater. Not that Hux was the one who cheated, but Ben and Rey had been engaged, and Ben had slept with Hux.

And besides, everyone knew Hux was gay. But to  _turn_  Ben to be  _like that_ , the glares and shaking of heads were enough to send anybody spiraling. But he'd been happy with Ben, really, truly happy for the first time in... well, ever, or so it seemed.

And now Ben might die, and it was all Hux's fault. He blamed himself, and curled up his legs tight to his chest, plain converse on the seat infront of him.

He knew he should post something on Facebook, let people know but... he'd been with Ben when it happened. On a date of all things. People would blow up Hux's phone, scold him for almost getting Ben killed.

Hux whimpered, letting his forehead rest on his knees as he began to cry, an expert at keeping his sobs silent.

* * *

Hours later, Hux had composed himself, as best as he could anyways. He was exhausted, the adrenaline wearing off and depression settling in. The same nurse from before came out, calling his name and he stood up immediately. He pocketed both their phones, keeping the blanket around himself as he followed her down the hall.

"Now he's in stable condition, he just woke up and is able to talk. But there's a few things you need to know."

Hux nodded as he leaned in to the nurse, listening to her and looking at the sheet in her hand. It was all numbers and letters that didn't make sense to him, so he listened harder.

"He's been pretty badly cut up on his face, and he ruptured an eye socket so he'd got an eye patch. He's also-" she stopped, and Hux stopped too. She looked him in the eyes, a serious air about her. "He's suffering from short term memory loss. We're not sure how long it'll last, these things are usually determined on a case-by-case basis."

"Short term? How short term?"

"Well, he can't remember his name. He knows colors, a few numbers, basic kindergarten stuff. But he doesn't know what date it is, or what happened."

Hux gulped, staring at the nurse. She said something and Hux didn't hear it, but he nodded regardless. Then he followed her, the hallway seeming to narrow infront of him. He was led through two secure double doors, past several rows of closed curtains. Machines beeped out of sync behind them, until they stopped at one near the end of the open hall.

"Well, I'll let you in to speak to him. He's on a very high dose of medication, so he may not be quite all there."

"Yeah, thanks," Hux muttered. The nurse left him then, to go tend to her other duties. He stared at the curtain, honing in on the machines beeping beyond. Finally he reached a hand up, and pulled the curtain back just enough so he could slip in.

Ben lay in a bed, wearing a hospital gown and covered in blankets. They'd cleaned up the blood from his face and most of his hair, which they'd put up in a bun on the top of his head. He had a large bandage on the right side of his face over his cheek, and a gauze eyepatch over his right eye. He had lots of cuts and scrapes all over his face, moistened with some topical medication.

Ben turned his head slightly at the noise, one eye opening from where he'd been dozing off. Each arm ontop of the blankets had a syringe in it, several bags of liquid hanging next to his bed. A heart monitor beeped slowly, but steadily as Hux slowly walked over to the bedside.

"Ben," Hux breathed. The look of confusion, of non recognition broke his heart. "I'm Hux, I-" what was he supposed to say? This whole thing, it all seemed like such a big mistake now. The cheating, the wonderful days spent together, only to be foreshadowed by losing everyone who'd ever mattered to him. The car accident seemed like a fitting end to what had once, only hours earlier, been a budding relationship. He shivered, "I'm the one who found you."

Ben seemed to sigh slightly, the morphine making everything hazy, his thoughts not quite coalescing. "Thank you," he whispered.

Hux pulled up the chair next to him, and took a quiet seat. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay. They gave me morphine."

Hux smiled weakly, "It's good shit, I'm sure."

"Mmhmm," Ben groaned. He turned his head away, and began to sink back into sleep. Hux frowned; for a moment he'd been hopeful. He scooted forward to the edge of his seat, reaching out for Ben's hand.

The fingers he'd played with, intertwined his own in when they walked each other to class, or kissed each other goodbye. Hux pulled back his hand, letting Ben drift off to sleep as his world disappeared in a blazing hale of flashing lights and broken glass.

Slowly Hux pulled out Ben's phone from his pocket with shaky hands. He stared at it, the illuminated background black with red letters. He tapped in the code to unlock it with a thumb, and a familiar background greeted him.

Apps he never used, stupid games Ben barely ever played. The typical camera and messenger boxes on the bottom, Hux scrolled through. He looked back up at Ben as he hunched forward, one hand on the edge of his seat. Ben looked hurt, really hurt, and tired. Hux was tired too.

Tired not just physically, but mentally. Having to constantly push the world away, to prove that their love was real, and not just some shotgun devotion. He opened Ben's text messages, not usually one to pry. But this wasn't really prying, he told himself.

He smiled sadly, reading the texts from earlier tonight, when they'd been getting ready in their separate residences, incessantly flirting and teasing. He went back to the main messages and swiped right. A small red "DELETE" popped up. He let his finger hover there, and whimpered.

If Ben couldn't remember him, things could go back to normal. Before he'd found his soul mate, before all the madness of cancelled wedding venues and Rey calling Hux, screaming on the phone about how could he do that, they used to be friends, berating him and making him feel like shit.

He clicked the button, and it was gone. His lips parted, and he inhaled a shaky breath. Then he went about deleting the rest of himself from Ben's life. His contact info, all the photos too. He went to the deleted folder and emptied it. He deleted all the emails from the classes they shared, any notes he'd written about Hux too.

Hux disabled the passcode, leaving it open for anybody to pry, to make Ben not seem paranoid. Of course, Ben was only paranoid enough to lock his phone because Rey was the snooping type of girlfriend, _ex-fiancee_ Hux corrected himself. He'd given Hux the passcode after the first night they'd slept together, broken it off with Rey that night too.

Then he went through his Facebook messages; they weren't brazen enough to post blatant photos of them yet, but he changed Ben's status to single. And for some reason, Hux couldn't bring himself to do it, to unfriend himself from Ben's page. He did it on all the other apps but Facebook seemed so... official.

He pouted tears began to roll down his cheeks, and he pocketed Ben's phone. He went on his phone and adjusted a few settings, changing his status to Single, deleting a few of the more friendly group photos that had them anywhere near each other. When he'd wiped himself clean of Ben's life, he pocketed both phones. Just as he took out the police report from his back pocket, wiping away his tears, the curtain opened halfway.

Leia Organa stepped in, as impressive as she was intimidating. She wore a pantsuit, very Hillary Clinton-esque, and ran to Ben's side, opposite of where Hux sat.

"Ben, honey," she put a hand on his, her other hand on his cheek. Ben roused from sleep, muttering something incoherent in a confused tone.

"Ben, there you are. It's me, your mother, it's me Leiai."

"Mom?"

"That's right, I'm here honey. You're safe now."

"What happened?"

"You were in a car wreck, oh shh shh," she said as he let out another groan. "But you're okay, the doctors say you're going to be okay."

She soothed him, though he looked more spacey than in pain. After a minute of soft cooing and gentle touches, she glanced a nasty look at Hux before she looked back at Ben.

"Thank you for your help, but I think it's time you leave." The comment was aimed directly at Hux.

"Yes ma'am," he said in a defeated sort of tone before he stood up. He put the blanket down on the seat, lingering for a moment. "Mrs. Organa, can I speak to you - outside?"

"I suppose," she said, squeezing Ben's hand. Ben still seemed blissfully unaware of what was happening.

They stepped out of the curtain, Leia closing it sternly so Ben wouldn't be able to see them. Hux pulled out Ben's phone from his pocket, flipping it over in his fingers.

"I left the police report on the table next to his bed."

"Good." She had no patience for the boy who'd suruptitiously ruined her sons chance at a slid family, and  _turned_  him gay.

Hux stared down at the phone, his chest welling up. He stuttered in a breath, eyes again water. "I haven't got all day Armitage, spit it out."

He handed the phone to her, but tightened his grip as he finally raised his eyes to look at her. His lower lip was quivering. "I deleted everything."

Then he released the phone, and she took it. She looked slightly shocked at the admission, fingers closing over the phone. She nodded once, "Thank you."


	3. Chapter 3

Hux walked out of the hospital, and sat on a bench just outside the automatic doors. He sat down, hands on the edge of it for a moment. But it was cold, so he wrapped his arms around himself, and pulled his knees up to his chest. There, he began to cry, letting his forehead fall onto his knees as he sobbed.

He was completely alone. Father overseas, who he never saw even for the holidays. Abandoned by all his friends, and now he'd let the only good thing in his life go. He couldn't handle it, all possibilities ripped out from under his feet.

He sat there crying until he couldn't stand the cold. He slowly unfurled, hunching forward as he requested an Uber. It took them less than five minutes for the driver to get there, and in the car Hux stared blankly out the window. He left his seat belt unbuttoned.

When he finally got to his dorm room, the sun was just starting to rise. He went to look at himself in his private bathroom, a perk of being the son of a five-star General who'd donated several thousands of dollars to the school. But bribing the school for a private room for his son was just about the only nice thing Brendol had done.

Hux looked at himself in the mirror over the sink, eyes puffy and red, lines of the same color splashed across his cheeks and forehead and chin. He leaned forward, staring at himself, taking in each mark. They reminded him of something else, those little red marks, so prominent for all to see. Unlike the ones he hid.

He immediately pushed that thought out of his mind, immediately leaning back, and getting undressed. He got in the shower, and decided to go about the day like nothing happened. It was Friday, so he had a late start to his classes, that's why he and Ben had gone out on a... he couldn't bring himself to say it.

He showered, trying his best not to get his face in the stream. He washed his hair, but forewent shaving and rinsed the toothpaste from his mouth with a cup of water next to the sink. Then he got dressed in plain bluejeans and a striped, long sleeve shirt. He sat on his bed, cross legged for the better part of an hour, scrolling through his news feed.

The only people left were childhood friends and distant family members, people who didn't know about his current predicament. He went to class early, and nobody mentioned the fresh cuts on his face. Nobody talked to him either, which wasn't out of the ordinary. The only one who asked him what happened was the lunch lady, and he was grateful she atleast seemed concerned.

He ate his sandwich alone, and when he got back to his dorm after his last class, after not sleeping for over 30 hours, he crashed.

Hux spent the better part of the weekend in bed, numb at times, crying uncontrollably at others. Finally on Sunday night he got up, popped a Styrofoam cup of soup into his microwave, and turned it on high. He ignored the warning not to microwave it; he wasn't nearly cohesive enough to follow warnings about his health after he nearly died. But Ben had been closer.

The thought struck him and Hux collapsed into his desk chair, leaning forward with his hands on his knees. He closed his eyes, thinking of Ben. Ben, Ben,  _Ben_. With his stupid tousled hair and the way his cheeks crinkled under his eyes when he laughed. The way he trimmed his nails too short, a routine born out of breaking the habit of biting his nails as a kid. The mole above his eye, his soft chest where Hux often lay, his kind words and plump lips...

Hux sat up abruptly, inhaling deep, eyes again brimming with tears. Instantly he tore the desk drawer open. It was the top one right next to him, and he pushed around some of his stationary supplies, creating a mess where there was previously precise organization. He found the razor, in a small box that he was supposed to use to keep his class ring in.

He tossed the box, empty, across his desk, the razor now in hand. Sharp, perfectly shaped, effective. He'd drawn it on the margins of his notebooks for years, daydreamed about it in class to pass the time. He sat up, pushing down his pajama pants, peeling them off of his ankles by using his toes. He sat in his boxers, having previously thought he'd eventually get out of bed and put on some real pants. But he hadn't left the room at all.

The microwave pinged as Hux stared down at his inner thighs. The scars were all that was left, all open wounds healed within a week after him and Ben hooking up. It had happened organically, his itch to cut slowly draining. The days stretched in to weeks, and before he knew it, the little box with the razor had migrated to the bottom of the drawer.

Ben had done that all without demanding it, all while simply accepting and loving Hux. But now he didn't love Hux, _nobody does_. Hux pulled his skin taught with a thumb, hand on the top of his thigh. He reached down, staring at what he was doing as he sliced once over faint scars. He watched the razor slide along his skin, barely registering the pain. He stared, seconds passing as nothing happened.

Then it was tinged red, a faint line appearing. It grew darker and Hux smiled with sick satisfaction. Then he frowned as he thought about Ben, and sliced twice more, quick, succinct. Those too took a moment to bleed, and he watched small beads well up like salty hot springs.

He let go of his thigh, and let the razor do the rest of the work. Thin red lines staining his pale skin, barely thin enough to be seen until he'd made a blood red horizon on his inner most thigh. He stared down, open mouthed, slicing row by row by row, not stopping until... Finally he dug in the razor, the very edge of it, too hard and it sprouted up a bigger bead of blood, thicker than the rest. Normally he'd jump to stop it, but this time he didn't. He didn't even care.

By the end of it, his thigh was burning red with blood and pain, and Hux was finally, thankfully, numb. After that, he was able to think. After that, he was able to be calm, his mind no longer screaming, no longer racing and wracking him with guilt. He felt guilty about Ben, which only compiled all the other guilt he felt for letting his depression come back, for not doing his school work, for neglecting himself and his basic human needs.

After that, he could finally sleep. After a full REM cycle, he dragged himself back to the microwave, and re-heated his soup. He ate it numbly, curled up in the desk chair as he watched some tv show he didn't care about on his laptop. The razor lay spent and used on the desk, like a candle, a flame of decoration to his drab world.

When he was done with the soup, he picked up the razor and rinsed it off in the sink. He dried it with care, put it back in its box, and stowed the box right on top of his favorite pen case. Then he dabbed the same towel with cold water and lay it over his thigh as he opened one of his textbooks, pulling up one of the online software programs they used, and began to fill out this weeks worksheets.

* * *

Hux spent the better part of Sunday night and Monday after class catching up on his homework. On Tuesday he saw Rey in passing, across the quad. She looked happy, giggling with Phasma who was easy to pick out, what with being 6'0" with bright blonde hair. He decided to take the long way around the buildings, to avoid being seen.

He got back to his dorm just after six with his stomach set on eating the last bowl of soup. After that, he'd have to force himself to leave to get dinner at the Student Union until he could go to the grocery store.

For now though, he tossed his backpack down onto his bed, and plopped down at his desk. He opened his laptop, and sighed heavily. Finally he pulled up Facebook, to see what the damage would be.

His notifications were resoundingly few. He scrolled down through a few posts, things he didn't care about, a few pictures of one of his friends new baby. Then he stopped, staring at a post. Rey had checked in at the hospital on Saturday, and had tagged Ben in the post. She'd written a whole paragraph about what had happened, how he was doing well, but couldn't remember much. It had over 100 reactions, people pouring out their sympathy.

Hux went to Ben's page, and saw all the well wishes, a deep frown setting into his face. There was no mention of Hux.

He stared angrily at the red button over the Messages icon, knowing, completely convinced it was a message from the Facebook team about a new update to their privacy policy or something else Hux didn't care about. He almost ignored it, but hated seeing it there, like it was taunting him to think somebody had sent him a message.

He clicked it, and the message window popped up. It was from Ben.

Hux gawked, staring at the first, and only word. He clicked on it, redirecting to a new page and he read the message.

"Hey."

It was short, simple, and Ben had sent it last night. Hux sat back, staring. It had to be a trick. It was either Rey or Leia, trying to goad Hux into thinking Ben still cared, or even remembered him. He didn't want to be toyed with, he felt bitter towards them for pulling such a ploy. And yet... he leaned forward, fingers hovering over the keys.

"Hi." He sent a second message. "How are you feeling?"

Seconds later, Ben typed back. "Good I guess. Sore."

Hux sat back, exhaling for what felt like the first time in days. He stared at the little ellipses as they popped up, and he waited for Ben to send him another message.  _If it's even him at all_ , Hux reminded himself.

B: "I don't know how to thank you for saving me."

H: "It's nbd."

B: "It is, you called 9-1-1. If u hadn't found me, idk what would've happened."

H: "I'm glad you're ok."

B: "Me too. Seriously, you saved my life."

Hux trembled, and put a hand up to his mouth. He knew Ben hadn't actually been close to death. Sure it felt like it at the time, but looking back on it, Ben would have been fine if he hadn't been there.  _Ben wouldn't have been in the accident if you hadn't been there_. Hux inhaled shakily, reaching forward towards the keyboard again before another message popped up.

B: "If there's anything you need, ever, call me. I owe you."

Then he typed out his number, and Hux stared. He still had it in his phone, hadn't been able to bring himself to delete it but to now have access to Ben again, on Ben's own terms. Hux was floored.

H: "Will do."

Hux immediately closed the window, staring at his desktop background. His thoughts wandered to the razor in the drawer, eyes lingering in its direction as he felt a prick of anxiety, at apprehension as to what exactly to do. Then he turned away, and went to his bed as he tried to forget the conversation they'd just had. He opened his backpack, pulled out a textbook, and set it on the desk. Then he went to make himself dinner, his hands trembling.


	4. Chapter 4

After that, Hux threw himself into his school work. His grades began to improve, though they weren't that bad to begin with. He went from A/B's to solid A's. That's what happens when you don't have friends, and spend all your waking hours studying.

Some time after midterms, they had Thanksgiving break. Hux didn't go home, and didn't have anyone to share it with. He ate the buffet at the Student Union, sitting alone, reading some book he'd checked out from the library.

The Sunday before classes started again, he sat at his desk, one leg tucked under him. His laptop was open though he wasn't paying attention to it, Facebook open out of habit. He was highlighting a textbook when something on the screen caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over, then looked up.

A small message window had popped up; it was from Ben. Hux stared in awe, and slowly laid down his highlighter. Then he pulled his laptop closer, reading the message.

B: "Hi"

H: "Hey"

B: "Long time no talk. How're u?"

H: "Good, u?"

B: "Good, much better"

B: "I got a prescription for a snazy eye patch"

Hux scoffed out loud with a quiet laugh.

H: "That's so cool!"

B: "Yeah"

B: "Can I ask you a question?"

Hux narrowed his eyes, leaning forward. He still didn't really think it was Ben on the other side.

H: "Sure"

B: "Did we have a history class together?"

H: "Yeh"

B: "What week r we on?"

B: "I was looking through my notes trying to remember something. I found the syllabus and want to follow along."

H: "That's a good idea. We're on week 12"

B: "This is History thru 1865 right?"

H: "Yeh"

B: "Is the class hard?"

H: "Not really. Prof Snoke is pretty lenient, lots of essays tho"

B: "Can we video chat? I want to know all about it"

Hux froze, and his throat tightened. This wasn't good; he'd tried to cut Ben out, to let Ben have a normal life but Ben wouldn't leave him alone. He typed out quickly.

H: "I'd love to, but I'm in the middle of Psych 280 homework"

B: "Omg I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bother you"

H: "Ur not bothering me"

B: "Maybe some other time, if ur up for it?"

H: "Sure"

Hux picked up his highlighter, and his grip tightened. He had to know who was on the other end, he just  _had to_.

H: "Actually, I could use a break. Not sure how good of a teacher I am, but I can try"

B: "Great! I'm not sure how this works, so it might take a minute"

Only one second later a screen popped up. Ben was sitting there, right infront of Hux. His messy black hair was tied up in a bun, a white patch of gauze taped over one eye and Hux could see a long, shallow scar tinged pink on his right cheek. He smiled, and Hux melted.

"Hey," Ben said, his voice exactly how Hux remembered. He never thought he'd hear that sound again.

"Hey, you're looking good. I mean well, you look well, and all that."

"Yeah, thanks. I'm feeling pretty good."

Hux paused, one hand grabbing the edge of his chair. _Don't flirt, don't flirt_. "You'll look pretty badass with an eyepatch."

"Oh yeah?" Ben laughed again. "Maybe. I mean its only temporary, just until my next surgery."

"Surgery?"

Ben nodded, "Yeah. I've only had one but the doctor's waiting for it to heal before they go back in."

"Wow, you really got fucked up, didn't you?"

"Guess so. Hey, do you live in the dorms?" Hux saw Ben's eyes scanning the room behind him, and he nodded. Suddenly he wished he'd made the bed before agreeing to this, though he gave himself a mental pat on the back for picking up his laundry earlier in the day.

"Yeah."

"It must be nice."

"I guess. It's close to all my classes."

"Do you live alone?"

"Mmhmm," Hux nodded. It was like getting to know each other all over again, and it felt natural, comfortable.

"That's awesome. I can't wait till I can move out on my own."

"Yeah, that'll be great, I guess." Hux straightened up, then a small smile crept up his lips. "Are you really doing homework for class?"

"Unfortunately," Ben shrugged. "My doctor says it'll be good for my memory, it might help jog something or help me remember a missing piece, you know?"

"Yeah," Hux paused. He gazed at Ben, eyes softening as he stared at the screen, Ben's face so familiar and so close. He remembered the colors of the freckles, the spaces between them too. His eyes glazed over, until Ben interrupted him.

"Um, so about the class..." Hux perked up, realizing he'd been swooning.

Hux's eyes opened wide, "Right, the class. Sorry, let me just-" he stood up, reaching to the second shelf of his desk to get his textbook. He scrambled, papers scraping as he got down both the textbook and notebook. "Sorry about that, I guess I didn't really prepare for this."

"No, it's okay, I kinda sprang it on you."

Hux closed his Psych textbook and slid it into the corner of his desk. Then he opened his history textbook and scanned the notes, looking flustered. "So, I don't know really where you left off on your notes. Um, we're at the part where North Carolina Seceded from the Union."

"Seceded?"

"Yeah, it means like, officially declared to leave the United States at the time."

"Oh right, right," Ben said, and Hux watched him scribble something out on the paper infront of him. Hux's heart ached and he sympathized with Ben, who had once been just as interested in history as himself. Who took all the same classes as him, and who now couldn't even remember key terms.

* * *

He tutored Ben for a half hour, wrapping it up easily when Ben became overwhelmed. He gave Ben some assignments from the book to study, but easily neglected giving him an email address so he couldn't actually send them to Hux.

As soon as they ended their session, Hux closed the window to Facebook. Immediately Hux was out of his chair and began to pace. He paced back and forth in what little space he had, a hand over his mouth. He trembled, crumbling as everything came crashing down

It was so easy to talk to Ben, so easy to teach him and they meshed together so well. Ben was naturally inquisitive, casually asking questions, writing down every bit of information Hux dolled out. And Ben's voice had come through so clear, Hux had been so in to him. It felt like Ben was in to him too, inclined towards the camera, but Hux knew that that could just be his natural disposition. Well, it certainly seemed like it was, most the time anyways.

Hux whimpered, stopping with his back to the door, leaning on it. He hunched over, feeling the tug in his groin. Immediately he pulled off his shirt by the back of the scruff, walked back to the desk, picked up his laptop, and threw himself down on his bed.

He wriggled out of his pants in a hurried pace, discarding his boxers too and he opened a new window on his laptop. He ran naked to the window to close the blinds, then settled back down on his bed as he pulled up a website. He scrolled through any number of various free porn videos until he found one with two men relatively his age, one with dark hair, and he focused on that one as he pulled the lube out of his bedside table.


	5. Chapter 5

B: "Hey"

H: "Hey, what's up?"

B: "Nm, u?"

H: "Studying for finals"

B: "Lucky"

H: "Nope :p"

B: "How many?"

H: "6"

B: "18 credits?"

H: "Yeh"

B: "Damn, full course load"

B: "Got plans for xmas break?"

H: "Nah"

B: "None?"

H: "Nope"

H: "Dad's deployed, so I'm staying in the dorm"

B: "Omg u have to come by for the holiday party."

Hux stopped, staring at the screen. He was pouring over some textbooks as per usual, a stack of flashcards infront of him. Yellow, green, and pink with black ink. He used that to ground himself and took a deep breath.

H: "IDK, when is it?"

B: "Xmas Eve, dinner's at 5"

H: "I don't think I can make dinner"

B: "I thought u said u didn't have any plans"

H: "Well I do xmas eve"

B: "O. Well we'll be up most the night if u wanna swing by"

H: "I'll try"

B: "Great! Here's my address, hope to see you there ;)"

* * *

He sat in the Student Union, eating a sandwich during his lunch break in between classes. He had a book placed out infront of him, some fiction novel that was actually entertaining. Just then a figure came up next to his table, and paused. He kept reading until the end of his sentence, chewing on a turkey sandwich before he looked up.

He sat back, eyes widening. Phasma stood there next to him, glaring down at him. For a second, just a second he thought she might have stopped at his table to apologize, or to make up. But the look on her face was sour, accusatory.

"What are you doing?" She sneered.

Hux balled up a fist with a napkin in it to cover his mouth. He chewed fast, swallowed what wasn't quite done, then looked back up. "Excuse me?"

"I said  _what the fuck_ are you doing?"

"Um, eating lunch?"

"Why are you talking to Ben?"

"I'm... not?"

"Yes you are, don't lie." She put her hand on the table, fingers pressing into the polished wood. She leaned in, an angry expression on her face. "Rey told me all about it, how you  _helped_  him with his homework. He doesn't even  _have_  homework anymore, he dropped out of the semester."

" _He_  messaged  _me_ , I just helped."

"Well you better stop  _'helping_ ,'" she used air quotes. "You had your chance, and you ruined Rey's. You better back off, and let her have what she deserves."

Hux looked down at his meal, nodding slowly. "Okay," he said quietly.

Phasma then continued on her way, not giving him a smile, or the courtesy of a goodbye.

Hux's frown deepened as he stared at his meal. He sat there, stunned in shock for several seconds. Then he reached down, holding the seat of his chair as he scooted out. He stood up, grabbed his bag from the ground, and slipped his arms methodically through the shoulder straps.

Then he picked up his tray, and dumped off the half of the sandwich and bag of chips he didn't eat into the trash can. Then he walked back to his dorm room, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes downcast. He couldn't look up, longing for the top drawer of his desk.

* * *

This was a bad idea. This was definitely a very, very horrible idea. Hux knew it, and kept telling himself that all while he was getting ready. He closed his laptop at 6, and by 7, he was pressed and dressed and ready to go.

He'd showered and shaved, and only stopped himself when he was applying the only bottle of cologne he owned. He stared at himself in the mirror, shirtless, spraying one squirt on either side of his clavicle, just above his chest. He looked down, staring at the label on the bottle. He looked at the emblem, it was expensive, something  _Brendol_ had gotten him last year for his birthday. What disturbed him wasn't the fact he was applying it, but the fact that it was Ben's favorite scent.

He couldn't remember picking up the bottle, couldn't remember when he decided to put it on. But suddenly he realized he might just be trying to flirt with Ben, or atleast get him to like him again.

He put down the bottle, both hands on the edge of the sink as he leaned forward and sighed, head tilted down. He closed his eyes, and inhaled; he liked the scent. But Ben had reacted to it magnificently, especially the first time.

He should take a shower, wash it all off, start over. But it was almost 7 and he had to atleast make an appearance. So Hux sighed, turned from the mirror, and went out to the bedroom to get dressed.

He wasn't sure what the mood would be, but knowing Leia, and knowing the Solo family, it would most likely be more formal than casual. So he wore a nice pair of slacks, and a button up shirt under a brand new sweater. When he left his dorm room, he kept his head down, clicking away on his phone to order an Uber.

He had the driver stop at a grocery store, and Hux splurged on a bottle of wine. Brendol always kept his bank account supplied with several hundred dollars, but Hux hated having to use his fathers money. He hated having to use it, so he tried his best to be frugal, to only spend what he really needed. So a $15 bottle of wine was definitely a splurge.

He'd honestly had no plans on Xmas, not a damn one. But he hesitated as he walked up the front walkway, glancing at the brand new, black Escalade in the driveway.  _Better than the one YOU crashed_ , he scolded himself.

He let his head fall, stepping up onto the doorstep. He let out a sigh.  _This is a bad idea, why are you doing this?_ He repositioned his pants, pulling them up a bit, then pulling his sweater over his belt. He reached up, finger hovering over the doorbell. Then he pressed it, sealing his own fate. He hated himself in the moment, the lowest he'd been in... well, since the night he'd cut himself out of Ben's life.

He didn't know who would open the door. It could be Leia, and if so, he knew she'd step out, keep him on the porch and tell him to leave. It could be Rey; she'd been posting pictures lately of her and Ben. They were all friendly pictures, but they were always close; cheek to cheek, smiling, giggling.

Alternatively, it could be one of Ben's other family members. Maybe his father, who seemed fairly absent.  _Wouldn't that be something._

The house was well lit, each window glowing on the first floor. A tree as tall as the ceiling could be seen glistening in one of the front windows, and Christmas music could be heard from inside. The doorbell chimed, and several seconds later, he heard the deadbolt turning. The oak door opened, and Hux looked up.

Ben was standing there, smiling and laughing, his cheeks tinged pink from the wine he'd drank. He had a scar on his cheek, a black eyepatch covering his right eye, but he seemed in good spirits. His good eye lit up, both eyebrows raising. His visible eye was dark, the same color that Hux had fallen in to so many times, so deep and warm. It was exactly the same, yet... deeper somehow, more knowing, less reserved.

Both men seemed to pause, to exhale at the exact same moment at seeing each other in person. Hux's breath rose visible in the air as he stood awkwardly on Ben's doorstep. Ben seemed relieved, almost like he'd been waiting for Hux to show up.

"Hey, you made it."

"Um, yeah," Hux half smiled, his demeanor reluctant as he stepped inside when Ben opened the door wider. "Sorry I'm late-"

Ben surged forward and hugged Hux. It was an overly jovial gesture, like he'd had a bit too much to drink and was just overly friendly. Until he dipped his head towards Hux like he used to, the hug seeming too close, too caressing.

Hux stiffened, Ben's long arms wrapped strong around his shoulders. Hux could swear he could hear Ben inhale quietly, could almost hear the smile on his breath. Hux stood shocked, his body pressed close to Bens. He held the wine bottle in one hand, the other shakily and slowly wrapping around Ben's waist in a one-armed hug.

"I'm so glad you made it Armitage," Ben whispered. Hux could just die in this moment, and the way Ben purred his name.

The hug was fleeting though, and Hux knew he'd leave Ben with the impression that he'd intruded on Hux's personal space. Ben pulled away a second later, a smile still on his face and Hux gazed up at him, trying not to get lost.

"Hux, please. Just... Hux."

"You go by your last name?" Ben asked, his smile too much to handle.

So Hux just nodded and muttered, "Yeah."

"Well I'm just glad you're here."

They stood awkward and quiet for a second in the entryway, a brilliant Christmas tree sparkling in the living room off to the right. "Oh, I wasn't sure what to bring, so I picked up a bottle of wine." Hux held up the bottle, one hand around the neck, the other around the bottom.

"Great! Yeah, my mom's in the kitchen. Here, let me-"

"Hey Ben, you have to hear this, oh my god." Phasma walked up, looking beautiful as ever in a black sweater dress with matching heels. She put a hand around Ben's arm, her eyes light with a bright smile on her face. "You won't believe this, wait until you hear the story," she tugged him away gently.

"Oh, okay. Yeah. Go into the kitchen, I'll- I'll be right there," Ben waved towards the archway that led to the kitchen, trying to convey more to Hux as he was tugged away.

"Yeah, sure," Hux muttered, a forced smile on his face. Then he looked towards the archway that led to the kitchen, his apprehension building. He knew where the kitchen was. He knew where the guest bathroom was, and Ben's bedroom. He knew the layout, but he had to play dumb.

He sighed, looking down at the label on the bottle of wine. He screwed up his courage, and slowly walked towards the kitchen. Hux knew Phasma had done that strategically, she'd purposely pulled Ben away so that Hux could face Leia alone.

Hux was sorely assaulted when he entered the kitchen, his smile fading to a frown when he saw both Leia and Rey giggling together near the stove, fretting over desert cookies and hot cocoa. They both looked up as he crossed through the archway into the modern kitchen with its stainless steel sink and marble island. Hux refused to look at the space of counter where Ben had hoisted him up, kissing him so passionately he thought he might melt right into his lips.

Hux lingered just inside the doorframe, wine in hand. Both women looked up, and Rey audibly gasped, though it was under her breath. Hux raised his gaze, trying to force a half smile on his face.

"Hux-"

"Armitage-" Leia paused. "What are you doing in my home?"

"I-" he paused, sucking in his lower lip before releasing it. "Ben invited me. I- I brought wine." He held it out in an offer. Then he stepped forward, and quietly set it down on edge of the kitchen island.

"Oh great," Leia said, a bit too stiffly.

"Rey, can I talk to you?" Hux walked around the island, motioning out the other archway that led towards the dining room.

Rey turned, one hand on her hip and she set her eyes on him. Hux's previous childhood friend, whose life he'd totally ruined, was staring him down with nothing less than hatred in her eyes.

"Whatever you have to say, you can say here."

Hux sighed, glancing down quickly, then back up. He hardened himself, steeled himself to the onslaught of emotions, or pure abject disgust coming from both women. He leaned on the edge of the counter, palm pressing into the waxed marble.

"I'm going to go. I shouldn't have come," he nodded, convincing himself as much as them as he said it definitively. "Coming here was a mistake. Ben invited me, I-" he paused again. "This was stupid." He stepped forward, sliding fingers along the marble. "I'm just going to go out the back, so Ben won't see me."

"And then what? What am I supposed to tell Ben? That you just  _left_?" Rey spat.

Hux shrugged one shoulder, sliding his hand off the counter. "I don't know Rey," he said, almost incensed. He realized he'd hoped, almost hoped, that Rey would accept him back into her fold. But now he knew he was stupid for thinking such a thing could happen.

"Tell him I'm sick, tell him I have the flu. Tell him..." he sighed, "Tell him I have social anxiety, a panic attack, I don't care Rey. Tell him whatever you want."

Hux walked past her, defeated. Deflated. Depressed, beyond recognition. Leia glanced at Rey, and Rey nodded at her. Then she followed Hux out.

She rushed past him, not having to lead him to the back door,  _obviously_. She opened it for him, and Hux left without saying goodbye to her, or anyone else. Rey locked the door behind him.

Hux crossed the cold lawn, wet grass stiff with frost under Hux's sneakers. He shoved his hands into his pockets, feeling the phone there as he walked. He hadn't wanted to embarrass himself.

_What are you kidding, you're already embarrassed._  He didn't want the same Uber driver to come pick him up,  _he'll ask what happened._  Hux broke out onto the concrete, and walked away from the house. He let his head fall, bundling up his fingers in his pants pocket.

He hadn't bothered to wear a coat; why, when he was just going from his dorm to the car, then the car to the house and vica-versa? So he started to shiver, walking fast, trying to keep himself warm. It was quite a bit of a walk home, but a short drive. He could do it, he was wearing a thin sweater after all.

But suddenly he crumbled, stumbling and falling to the ground. The concrete bruised cold under his knees, though not icy. He let out a loud pout, which led way to a wailing cry. He fell forward, forearms on the ground, forehead falling onto them as he cried out loud and clear.

He trembled, shuddering, as he began to sob. His body wracked forward, toes pressed hard into the concrete. He whimper for what could have been, longing for a kind touch, a kind word from... anyone.

Hux pulled himself close, muscles tense, aching. He was empty. He felt like he hadn't suffered enough, hadn't payed penance. He deserved more than this, he obviously wasn't good enough for anybody's approval. And nobody came by. Not a single person, not a single headlight. Carolers could be heard in the distance, people drank warm eggnog and ate a cheerful dinner while he scraped his cheek on the concrete, crying for Ben, the only one who'd ever cared for him. He lifted his head, whining out, "Ben, please," his voice cracked.

His words were answered by silence. His face was red, strained, staring ahead of him, begging for release. For somebody... anybody.

When his toes went numb, he finally ordered a ride home though he had half a mind to let himself lay there and freeze. He was shivering hard when the Uber arrived, and asked the driver to turn up the heat in the car as he got into the back seat. When he got to the dorm, he ran up the stairs two at a time. He cleared out his pockets once in his room; keys, wallet, phone, onto his desk before he finally cried out.

He screamed, loud, shrieking, definitive. He turned to face his bedroom door, heaving breaths, fists at his sides, clenched tight and he began shaking. He screamed out again, and shoved the books off his bed in a fit, knocking over the bedside lamp.

"Fuck!" He ran to his window and drew the shades violently, cracking one of the slats. Stumbling, he blundered towards the door and locked it as he peeled off his clothes. He continued to reel, stumbling again towards his desk until he fell, half dressed, falling over. He rolled onto his back, peeling off his pants and boxers, eyes wet, cheeks red.

He couldn't take it. The whole situation, his whole world gone. He'd tried to make amends, he honestly tried his best. But his best wasn't good enough.

He crawled on hands and knees to his desk, shoving aside the chair which was hard with his weak hands. He ripped the desk drawer from its slot, pencils and highlighters spraying across the carpet. He spread them out with his palms flat over them, searching.

He found the small ring box, hands trembling, body shaking in the cold air. He hadn't turned on the heater to his room, and he liked it that way.  _You don't deserve the warmth_ , the comfort. He opened the box, pulling out the blade and he raised it above his head.

He stared at it, quivering away from it as his bottom lip trembled under into submission under its dominance. The razor ruled him, a small hole in the center, shining down light from the bathroom onto him, making him wince. He winced away from it, like he'd just been slapped in the face. But he still held it.

He lowered it, spreading out his legs open wide on the carpet. He was naked, flaccid in his groin but scabbed and bright red on his thighs. He reached down.

He'd been doing it consistently. The red marks were fresh from just the night before, edge of the blade still sharp as ever. Or maybe dull, he could't tell. The harder he pushed it in, the more impact it made each time.

He sliced up, towards himself. He sliced over other cuts, ripping them open. Skin tore from skin, arching his back as he leaned into the feel of the razor lacerating his sanity. He reached back with his spare hand, to prop himself up, and he sliced again.

He cried out in a pout, cheeks streaked with tears as he sliced again. And again. And again.

He cut himself until he couldn't feel, until his eyes stung, until he had no more tears to shed. Until there was nothing but blood and dribbled spit and pain and fear,  _failure._

_Nobody cares. You're all alone, no father, he left you. So did Ben, and Rey, and Leia, and Phasma, and all your friends. Nobody wants to talk to you, why would they? You're the worst piece of shit to ever crawl on this campus, why would anybody want you? You're_ **_disgusting_.**

He lay gasping when it was over, legs spread in a diamond shape, heels pushed together. The razor lay on the carpet now, his open hand next to it, staring at the dark ceiling. He lay gasping, dry sobbing, no tears left, dry as a bone.

He lay there, the worst Christmas ever, wishing for more. More pain, more raw emotion and blood and...

It was as close as he'd ever come to killing himself. He could never do that, never subject anyone who  _might_  care, to that. But he pondered it as he crawled towards his bed. As he curled up under the sheets without cleaning up, without putting away his best friend, sharp silver laying open and exposed for anybody who might walk in on him, he lay on his stomach, letting the blood soak into his white sheets.

He fell fitfully into what couldn't quite be called sleep. And nobody walked in on him. Nobody disturbed him, or checked up on him. 

Nobody questioned him when he put bleach in with his load of laundry the next day. Nobody questioned why his gait was slightly... off. Nobody asked him anything. Not ever. Until Ben messaged him, the following afternoon.


	6. Chapter 6

B: "Hey"

Hux hesitated, like always. He stared. He was wounded, lacerated both emotionally and physically. It took three days for him to respond. He spent the time in and out, confused, half out of his mind with exhaustion and strain.

Finally, he responded, though unwillingly. He was in his bed, laptop on his lap. His thighs screamed. The blanket was squished between the very innermost part of his thighs, covering his decency up to his chest, thighs wrapped open around it. He responded when he saw Ben online, finally owning up to the fact that he'd basically walked out on him at the party.

H: "Hi"

B: "Where'd u go the other night?"

H: "Sorry, I wasn't feeling well"

B: "Rey said u had the flu"

H: "Yea. It's been brutal"

B: "You shoula told me"

H: "Sorry"

B: "That's ok, just next time let me know before you leave? Or when you get home?"

B: "Kay?"

H: "Kay"

* * *

New Years Eve rolled around. Hux was alone, as per usual. He walked out onto the quad into the cold evening. He was wrapped up in a patterned scarf and a wool coat, hands in his pockets. The night was cold and clear as he walked out towards the grass a few minutes before nine.

He weaved through groups of people sitting on blankets, all talking and chattering and smiling. He smiled sadly, deep in his own mind. His thighs chaffed; he'd had to go out to buy medical gauze and tape, to stop the pain, and try to heal atleast some of his cuts. His gate had slowed, measuring each step in his daily routine.

He found a nice empty spot, and swept his coat up under himself as he sat down. It would do enough to shield him from the frost on the grass, atleast for a few minutes. But that was fine, he was only here to watch the fireworks. Then he planned to retire to his dorm room and open the bottle of wine he'd bought earlier in the day. A two-buck-chuck, because he didn't buy it for the taste.

He crossed his legs, glancing around. Everyone was chatting with their friends, the others in their groups, and he sadly half-smiled. Then he pulled out his phone, out of habit. The bright light was blinding in the darkness of the quad, so he put it away quickly. There were no messages; there were never any messages.

The first test firework popped, and he looked up. Everyone else did to, gazing up, a few people gasping, some people whooping and clapping. A gentle tap on his shoulder drew his attention, and he turned around.

"Hey, you want to come sit with us?" A girl he recognized from one of his classes knelt behind him, her face was round and hopeful, smiling openly at him.

Hux looked past her at the group she was gesturing to. There were three other people sitting on a picnic blanket, one on a fold out chair with plenty of room for him to join. Hux nodded stiffly, "Sure."

He got up and followed her back to the blanket. She sat down, giving him plenty of room and he plopped down next to her. 

"I'm Amara, by the way," she held out her hand.

"Hux," he shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you."

"You too."

"Hey, I think we have some classes together," she said.

"Yeah, I thought I recognized you."

"Early American History, right? Up to 1850?"

"Yeah! Right, I think I've seen you in a few classes."

"Definitely. Well it's great to meet another history buff."

Just then, the fireworks officially started. They all looked up, ooh-ing and aah-ing as they sparked bright above. Another tap from Hux's shoulder drew his attention, and he turned around to glance at who'd touched him.

A nice guy behind him with short brown hair handed him a red plastic cup as he leaned forward. "Champagne?"

A small twitch of his lips, and Hux managed a small smile. "Yeah, thanks," he took the cup, smiling a bit more as he turned away. He inhaled the champagne, unfamiliar with the different brands. He took a small sip; it wasn't bad. But he wasn't really a champagne drinker.

Hux cupped the hand in both gloved hands, and watched the fireworks. They were brightly colored, blue, green, bright yellow sparking and sizzling. He flinched at the all-red peony shaped one, glancing down into his cup before he downed half of it.

The spectacle lasted only ten minutes before the finale. Aftewards, people clapped, and Hux downed the rest of his drink. He handed it back at the man behind him, who took the empty cup before directing his conversation to one of the others in his group.

Amara turned to Hux, a smile on her face, "Wasn't that amazing!?"

"Yeah, definitely. That was awesome."

"What're you doing after this?"

"Oh, uh, I dunno. I-" he paused, thinking about it. "I guess I was just gonna go back to my dorm."

"Oh you can't, it's not even midnight!"

"Wait, what?" Said the guy behind him. Hux turned to him, not sure how he felt about the group. They seemed nice, but he'd known them for a whole ten minutes. "You can't seriously be leaving? We have a kegger to go to, it's not even," the man looked down at his watch, "It's barely after nine!"

"I dunno-"

"Come on, you're goin'," the guy said, folding up his chair.

"I-"

"It'll be fun, I promise," Amara said, her eyes calm and warm. Not pushy, but still suggestive. Hux nodded, feeling drawn to someone for the first time in months.

"How far is it?"

"Oh buddy, we're walkin'." Said the guy. "Right on the other side of Front Street, at the yellow house that's right there."

It was a five minute walk, and Hux nodded. "Okay."

He got up, and helped them fold the blanket. They all made their way to the house where Hux discovered a party was in full swing. He shed his coat, putting it up in the coat closet but the relief was short lived. He got himself a beer, downed it with some difficulty.

"Hey, you ever play beer pong?" Said the man from earlier. Hux laughed, refused the invitation, and went for the coat closet.

He didn't leave though. He poured himself another beer from the keg, and went outside. The back patio was fairly sparse because it was so cold out. He went and sat on the swinging bench, wrapped up in his coat with his drink. He smiled quietly to himself, crossing his ankles as his toes touched the wooden deck.

He swung himself slowly, looking out into the darkness of the backyard. He was happy, atleast somewhat. More so than he'd been in a very long time,  _since Ben_. His thoughts were drawn by the door opening.

He looked up, lifting his head. Amara walked out, glancing around. She smiled when she saw him, an identical red solo cup in hand. She closed the door quietly, her motions slow, cautious. "Mind if I join you?"

"No, sure, yeah," Hux stuttered, not sure what he wanted. He scooted over, sweeping his coat under himself as he scooted over to make room for her.

She wore an oversized sweater now, that looked exceedingly warm. She curled up next to him, though not touching, legs crossed on the seat of the swing. Hux pushed their swing slowly, smiling down into his cup in the same manner.

"Are you having fun?" She asked quietly. She had brown hair, Hux could see it now. Her eyes were soft, and he definitely recognized her as a fellow student.

"Yeah," Hux said unconvincingly.

"Out here all alone?"

Hux let out a quiet huff of a laugh, and nodded. "I like being alone."

"Me too."

Hux glanced back at her, and saw that she was staring into the darkness like he'd been doing only moments earlier. He took a sip of his drink.

"So history," she said.

Hux laughed, "So history."

Just then people started to count down, giving it sixty seconds until midnight. Amara smiled, lowering her drink. "Nobody to share a New Years Eve kiss with?"

Hux shook his head, "Nah," he shrugged.

"You could share it with me."

The night was calm, but cold and crisp. The party inside seemed worlds away, and Hux inhaled deep. He sat back, pushing them off, giving them a bit more speed than before. He exhaled, staring into the darkness before he spoke, sure of himself.

"I'm gay."

Amara looked up, eyes wide as she stared. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean- I didn't know- I- wow, this is awkward." She stood up immediately.

"No-" Hux reached out, grabbing the arm of her oversized sweater, bringing the swing to a stop. "I mean, yeah, but, don't go?" He sucked on his lower lip, before he let go of her arm. "I'd like the company."

"I don't want to make you feel awkward, really."

"No, it's okay. Please, sit," he patted the seat next to himself. She sat down slowly, uncertain, but curled back up on the seat next to him like she had before. Hux began to swing them again slowly.

Midnight struck, and people began to cheer. He held up his cup to her, a sad smile on his face. "Happy New Year."

She smiled a bit wider than him, seeming genuinely grateful for his good nature. "Happy New Year."

They clinked cups, each taking a small sip. The new year settled around them, people carrying on in the house. "I didn't mean to make it awkward," Amara said.

"No, no you didn't at all. It's, it's honestly me. I'm... going through some stuff."

"I get that," she said, nodding and looking into her cup. They sat in silence until the boy from earlier came to fetch them. Hux decided to leave, getting Amara's phone number, and hugging her goodbye. It felt like an honest hug, not full of pretense, but genuinely nice.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was posted at the same time as chapter 8, so you won't have to wait for the good stuff ;)

B: "Hey"

H: "Hey"

B: "What're u up to?"

H: "Studying"

B: "As per usual :)"

B: "What classes r u taking this semester?"

H: "HIST 350, 290, another PSY class to fulfill my requirement. 2 electives."

B: "Only 15 credits?"

H: "Yeh"

B: "Last semester must've been brutal"

H: "Yeh"

B: "Want to video chat? I'd love to know what ur studying for HIST 350 and 290"

H: "Can't, I'm really busy"

B: "O ok, well maybe some other time?"

H: "Sure"

Several minutes passed, before Ben sent another message.

B: "If u don't want to be friends, u can just say so"

B: "I don't wanna bug you, I just figured after the accident, we should stay in touch"

H: "No, honestly, ur not bothering me. Just busy"

B: "OK"

Hux hated blowing him off. He just wanted to share, he just wanted to see Ben's face and sink into his arms. His thighs hadn't stopped burning since the accident, it'd been months since he'd gone a day without wincing.

He put down his highlighter, frowning. He was done studying for the night. He opened his top drawer, the ring box sitting there, waiting for him.

* * *

Hux walked out of the theatre with Amara at his side, smiling and nearly giggling. They'd seen a school-run play together, a welcome break before they started to ramp up for midterms. He shoved his hands in his pockets, laughing as they turned left towards Amara's dorm.

"You really don't have to walk me there, I know the way."

"I can't just let you walk by yourself, not at night."

"But  _you_  walked home after New Years Eve."

"Well yeah, but I'm a  _guy_. And I can't just let a pretty girl walk home _alone_."

Amara blushed, and Hux couldn't help a genuine smile as they walked. The night was windy, clouds rolling in that would threaten rain. They stopped at Amara's door, and she fiddled with her keys.

"Amara, I really like you but- well, I hope you know this wasn't a- a date, or anything."

"I know, I mean, you're- " she laughed quietly. He'd come to find comfort in her laugh. It wasn't judgmental, it was calm, a bit nervous actually. "-batting for the other side."

"Yeah," Hux smiled sadly, looking down at his feet.

"Who was he?"

"Hmm?" Hux looked up.

"The guy you liked. It's obvious you've been hurt, what happened?"

Hux nodded, then shifted away from Amara. He leaned back on the wall next to the door of her dorm, hands shoved deep in his pockets. He looked away.

"He was a history major. About this tall," he motioned. "Dark hair, an amazing smile-"

"You mean Ben?"

"What?" Hux looked up, shocked.

"Yeah, he's like our age right? I think I know who you're talking about, didn't he get in a car accident?"

"Yeah, he- I guess. I mean it makes sense you would know him, being a history major."

"We had a project together our freshman year, in history 155. He's nice," she stepped forward, and put a hand on his arm in a gentle gesture. "I'm sorry it didn't work out."

Hux smiled sadly at her and nodded. "Me too."

* * *

Hux was busy studying for his midterms. It was Friday night, his first test was on Monday, and he was swamped. He was overloaded, stressed. His mind screamed at him. Statistics, dates, numbers, everything was starting to blur together but he had to keep it separate. Had to figure out a way to keep his mind focused on each class, but he was slowly drowning.

He made the mistake of opening Facebook,  _to take a break_ , he told himself. But there was never anything on Facebook he cared about anymore. In the past six months or so since the accident, he hadn't recovered any of his old friends. He just wanted something,  _anything_ , to take his mind off his stress level.

He was behind on two essays, both due in the beginning of the week. He still needed four more sources for one; the other, he hadn't even figured out what the last two points of the entire essay were. He had more flashcards still to finish, and had to prepare for the online quiz nearly a week from now.

Suddenly a quiet noise drew his attention to his computer, and he looked down at the small message that had just popped up. It was Ben. He sat back, his frown deepening. He could feel it, tonight was another night where he'd be ripping at his skin, cutting open new wounds,  _hopefully_ creating new ones.

B: "Hey"

H: "Hi"

B: "Hows midterms?"

H: "Brutal"

B: "That sucks"

Hux didn't answer. He didn't have time for this, he didn't want to think about Ben. He pressed his palm to his forehead hard, closing his eyes. He didn't need this right now. Another quiet noise forced him to open his eyes and look at the message.

B: "So I finally got into my Photobucket"

H: "Yeh?"

B: "Yeah"

B: "Apparently I kept all the photos from like forever in it"

H: "Still don't remember anything tho?"

B: "No. The photos help"

H: "That's good"

Then Ben sent Hux three photos. It took them a few seconds to load, and when they did, Hux gasped out loud. He sat back, a hand coming up to cover his mouth as shock settled in. His heart began to race, pounding harder in his chest.

The first photo was of Ben and Hux, smiling, laughing together. He remembered that day, it was the morning after they'd first hooked up. They were in the Starbucks; Ben had  _insisted_  they take a selfie, cheek to cheek, a trait he'd picked up from Rey.

The next was of them at the top of a hill on the outskirts of town, taking a photo with the valley below them for the background. Ben's arm was around Hux's shoulders, and Hux had turned his face away from the camera, eyes closed as he leaned in towards Ben.

The third was of them, just the two, in Hux's darkened dorm room. Hux had a hand on Ben's cheek and he was kissing him; it was an obligatory selfie, Ben had said, in order to make them "official."

Hux stared in horror, his hands beginning to tremble. He didn't know what to say. How could he respond, now that the secret was out? He stared, memories of Ben flooding back to him. He remember how Ben felt against him, how sweet Ben was, so outgoing and-

B: "I'm coming over"

Hux scrambled. He typed out quickly.

H: "No"

"-User offline-"

H: "Please don't"

"Fuck!" Hux said outloud. He stood up immediately, shoving back his chair. Ben was coming over, _right now_. He'd discovered the secret, which he wasn't supposed to. And now he was on his way over, at one of the worst possible times.

Hux looked around his room; it was a mess. He scrambled over the bed, scooping up every article of clothing. Some were clean, some were dirty; he didn't care. He tossed them all in the hamper. Then he ran back to his desk, and swept all his pens into the top drawer.

He hesitated at the pack of pastel highlighters. They were almost completely out of ink, because they'd been the ones Ben had bought for Hux. One of the only gifts they'd exchanged. He hesitated, and opted to put them back in their little plastic case, and leave them on the desk.

He tidied up his school books, leaving one out on the desk. Then he made his bed, tucking in hospital covers quickly and pulling the comforter over the pillow.

He ran into the bathroom but paused. He couldn't very well brush his teeth, Ben would smell the mint and that would make Hux look desperate. So he opted for washing his face and combing his red hair to the side, hands shaking as he turned off the faucet.

Then he changed as quickly as he could, out of his pajama pants. He put on a plain pair of blue jeans, a clean long sleeve shirt and made sure to slip on some socks, to make it appear like he'd been out and about all day.

He was just re-combing his hair when there was a very hard, definitive, three knocks on the door. Hux perked up, his lips faltering, slowly down turning and he stood infront of the bathroom mirror for a further second. There were three more hard knocks on the door, and he sighed, defeated.

He turned off the bathroom light, and went to the door. Slowly, he opened it a few inches, looking out. Ben stood there in the hallway, slowly pulling his scarf from around his neck. He looked angry, gaze hardened as he stared at Hux. His hair was down and he was wrapped up in a coat. His nose was tinged pink from the cold.

"Can I come in?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only part 1 of their endeavor, stay tuned for part 2 which is going to be super duper hot.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Hux went to close the door slowly, but Ben pushed his way in. He put one hand on the door and shoved it open, forcing Hux to step back. Ben walked in, stepping several feet inside before his eyes scanned the small room. He looked left to right, gaze falling over the desk, the bed, the dresser.

Hux sucked up on his lower lip nervously, slowly and quietly closing the door behind Ben. Meanwhile, Ben could feel it, smell it. Hux’s odor was distinctly unique, and he’d been the only one in this room since he moved in. It smelled like his laundry detergent, subtle, and clean. Ben walked over to the desk, sliding the pack of highlighters off it. He looked down at them, thumbing over the plastic casing. He turned them over, reading the label.

Hux watched, wondering just what Ben remembered. Slowly Ben set the highlighters down, eyes grazing across the closed window blinds before he turned to Hux. He looked mad, though like a man trying to contain his anger.

“How come you didn’t tell me?”

“You should go-“

“No!" He slammed his fist on the desk, then withdrew it like he hadn't meant to do that. "I’m not leaving until you tell me _why_.”

“Why?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?! We were… something. And I want to know what.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Hux muttered. He stood defeated, eyes cast down, away from Ben. He’d tried so hard to put Ben back on the right track, but Ben seemed to keep ending up in his orbit.

Suddenly Ben pulled out Hux’s chair from the desk and sat down, scarf in his lap. “Well I’m not leaving until I get an explanation.”

Hux sighed, thoroughly defeated. He wanted so badly to throw his arms around Ben and sink into his arms, but also to kick Ben out. But it was apparent that Ben wasn’t going anywhere, so Hux conceded.

He walked slowly over to his bed and sat down, leaving a large swath of space between between them as he sat near the pillows. He crossed his ankles, toes touching the carpet as he rested his hands on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t _find_ you- after the car accident.”

Ben raised an eyebrow, watching Hux whose head was so sunken, whose visage seemed sullen and shoulders hunched. Hux continued, “I was driving the car.” Hux paused, sucking again hard on his lower lip to keep it from trembling as his eyes began to water with tears. “We were coming back from dinner and a movie-“

“A date,” Ben interrupted.

Hux nodded his head vaguely. “I was… looking at the road. The driver, he came out of nowhere. I tried to stop but…” Hux shivered, the scene playing through his mind. “I pulled you from the car, called 9-1-1...”

“Why’d you erase everything? There had to be more on my phone.”

Hux nodded, “Because Ben, you- you were engaged- to Rey. I- we hooked up, _okay_? And you broke off your engagement with her for me. It was only six weeks we were together. I thought maybe, just maybe I could give you a better life. The life your mother wanted, the life Rey deserved. It was so-“

Ben got up, making Hux pause. He took a seat quietly and slowly on the bed next to Hux, though he left space between them. His scarf was laid out on the back of the chair. Hux couldn’t remember hearing Ben take off his coat either, but suddenly he was sitting next to Hux in a simple button down and black slacks, inclined towards Hux ever so slightly.

“-short. We were barely together two months. And I… well I thought it’d be better. For you, for everyone.”

“Not for you though.”

Hux gave Ben a sideways glance, judging his sincerity. Then he looked away again, and nodded. “It was better for you. Atleast I thought it would be.”

“I must have really liked you.”

Hux nodded, cracking a small smile. “I hope so.”

“And then what? You just- deleted everything from my phone? When?”

“When you were unconscious. Well, you were on morphine, kind of out of it.”

“Were you at the hospital?”

“Of course-“ he said as if insulted that he wouldn’t be at the hospital. Then he paused and nodded. “Yeah,” he whispered.

“For how long?”

Hux scoffed, more like a pout though as a tear rolled down his left cheek, hidden from Ben’s view, for now. “All night,” he whispered, voice cracking. “Six hours, maybe?”

Suddenly Ben leaned over, his lips pressed against Hux’s making Hux raise his head. Hux jerked away, but Ben wasn’t letting him go, not this time. Ben surged forward, pushing Hux back just as quickly as Hux tried to retreat onto the bed. He pushed Hux down into the mattress, forcing his legs apart with a hard grip on the inside of either one of his thighs.

Hux’s legs jerked open, easily mistaken for his willingness. Ben tried to stifle Hux’s protests with hard kisses, breathing onto Hux as he worked his way into Hux’s pants. Hux tried to get away, fighting with Ben’s hands that were quickly trying to unbutton and unzip his fly.

“Ben-“

“Let me do this-“

“No-“

They struggled for a few seconds, fingers reaching out, pulling each other away before Ben sat up on his knees, pulling Hux roughly towards him with an arm wrapped up under each thigh. This Ben, this one was different. More forceful, stronger. It was like the Ben that had always laid just under the surface, the Ben that Hux had been most attracted to.

“Please stop-“ Hux whimpered. Ben silenced him again with another hard kiss, unzipping him completely and tugging down. But Hux balled up his fists tight around his crotch, holding his pants steadfastly. If there was one thing he wanted, it was to hide his shame, and he’d do anything to achieve it.

Hux turned his head to the side to get away from the kisses, and Ben sucked on his ear, pulling at his lobe with a hard bite. Ben hooked his thumbs into Hux’s waistband, slid them under him, and pulled. But still Hux held fast to the front of his jeans, starting to shake apart.

Hux was panting and trembling with his head turned away from Ben. As Ben dislodged himself from Hux, he realized the resistance wasn’t just because they hadn’t been together for a while, or because Hux didn’t want him. Frankly, Hux looked like he’d been violated, like Ben was _raping_ him. Ben stared, startled at Hux’s reaction as Hux’s eyelids trembled, tears streaming over the bridge of his nose, and down his other cheek as he stared at the opposite wall. But Ben recognized the look, the broken stature of the lines of his face. He’d seen that look before.

Ben eased off, letting Hux’s pants go before things seemed to click and he whispered, “What have you been doing to yourself?”

Hux slowly turned his gaze to look at Ben. Hux was broken, shattered, and his throat tightened, hot and sticky. He let out a quiet whimper, then looked away, legs still spread around Ben. “I’m sorry," he whispered.

“Show me,” Ben commanded softly, barely above a whisper. Hux responded with a quivering whimper, so Ben leaned down. He was measured and slow now as he put one hand on either side of Hux, and gently licked his ear, before sucking slowly. “Please, Hux,” he breathed the name into Hux’s ear, pressing his nose up into Hux's temple. Hux let out a whine, rolling his hips up towards Ben. Somewhere buried deep in his amnesia, Hux could tell that Ben still remembered all of Hux’s turn-ons.

So slowly Hux let go of the fly of his pants. He let his fingers slip under the hem of his jeans, and began to push them down, making sure to keep on his grey boxers though. Ben sat up and watched Hux push his pants down to his knees. He watched the reveal.

Ben didn’t flinch, didn’t gasp as the pain was revealed. He looked sad, like he’d caused all of the dozens of red cuts that marred Hux’s thighs. He scooted back, helping Hux push his pants down to his ankles. Ben took a moment to observe, a hand gently stroking under one of Hux's thighs, then up to the top. He stroked his thumb there, observing, but not looking angry, or sad. He looked... caring, kind.

Then Ben leaned forward very slowly, and tossed back his hair as he planted a very soft, slight kiss on the very top edge of the cuts. Hux flinched, eyes red with tears as he watched Ben, gentle and unjudgmental, nurse his wounds.

“You helped,” Hux whispered. He exhaled shakily. “You didn’t ask me to stop, you just… made me happy. And then I didn’t need to.”

“Until the accident,” Ben whispered, kissing a row of butterfly kisses down the top of Hux's thigh. His hands were gentle on the backs of Hux’s thighs, stroking softly, tenderly, like he was cradling Hux to comfort him.

Hux nodded, whispered a “Yes.”

Ben kissed the other thigh, starting at the top and working his way down to Hux's knee. Hux twitched, his back rigid. He watched Ben like a hawk, watched even the slightest movements. Ben was too close, too close to his sensitive areas. He knew Ben would see him growing hard, forming a thickness under his tight boxers, growing there from being touched. But he watched as Ben didn’t even seem to glance at it, paying only tender care to Hux's self-inflicted pain.

The marks were red and raw, most of them thin, a few thicker from being ripped open over and over again. Some scabbed, most still fairly fresh. When Ben got to the end of Hux’s knee, he pondered both thighs. He didn’t know what he’d done before, to make Hux do this to himself now. But he wanted to make amends.

Ben surged forward, pressing his hot, open mouth against Hux’s crotch. Hux gasped, sitting up instantly and scooting away. But as fast as he scooted away, like before when Ben was kissing him, Ben pushed him back with as much speed. Suddenly Hux’s back was to his headboard, and Ben was blowing hot breath through the fabric onto his half-hardened cock.

“Ben!” Hux gasped, and tried to push him away with a hand on his head, and his shoulder. Ben immediately grappled with Hux’s hands.

Ben had been working out since there wasn't much else to do when he had so much pent up energy, and nowhere to aim it. He wrapped a hand around each of Hux’s wrists easily, pinning them to bed. Hux whined, struggling to get his feet out of his pants but they were still bundled around his ankles. He let out another whine, tilting his head back as he was restrained.

Once Ben was sure Hux was secure, he nuzzled open the front of his boxers, separating the fabric. Hux slipped out, and Ben immediately inhaled, brushing his nose up the under side. Then over Hux’s tip, followed by Ben’s top lip, and lower. Ben opened his mouth, slipping over Hux’s cock, and almost all the way down.

Hux cried out, leaning forward, stomach clenched tight as Ben went all the way down. Hux trembled, wrists still trying to turn, trying to wretch out of Ben’s grip. But Ben was strong, stronger than he’d been before. Hux was immobile, and he cried, hunched over, strained over Ben as Ben sucked him off. A tear dropped to his stomach, Hux's teeth gritted, clenched tight.

After struggling for a moment, Hux inhaled deep, nose and face slick with tears and he tossed his head back as he gave up. “Oh-“ he moaned, trembling down into a slouch. His back relaxed, stomach arching towards Ben in a feeble final attempt to get him away. But Hux had no stomach to push Ben’s head away, and Ben had begun to bob fast. Hux succumbed.

He leaned back against the headboard, legs inattentively moving apart. He blinked away the tears, his arousal taking hold. He hadn’t had anyone touch him since the accident, and now not only was Ben sucking him off, but he was doing a damn good job of it.

Hux looked down when his eyes cleared, exhaustion rolling off his bones and wrapped with a slow building warmth. Ben swirled his tongue around Hux’s tip until Hux moaned, finally letting his head fall back. He whispered into the air, almost like a plea. “I missed you.”

Then he stopped fighting, and Ben released one of his wrists to test him. Hux raised his hand, and slid it through Ben’s hair. His nails were longer than normal; he hadn’t trimmed them in too long. It felt good, natural, and he scraped them along Ben’s scalp before he let his hand fall back on the bed. He "mmm'ed" quietly.

Ben started to scoot down the bed, letting Hux’s other wrist go. He wrapped his arms around Hux's hips again, dragging him down halfway the length of the bed. Hux went without struggling, and he was easily settled onto the pile of pillows at the head of the bed. Hux remained there willingly, no longer trying to ward off Ben’s advances.

Ben reached down, peeling off the rest of Hux’s pants and socks, and Hux curled his toes as Ben helped him out of his clothes. Ben tossed the jeans and socks off the bed, and Hux opened his legs wider, allowing Ben more room.

Hux decided he’d lay as long as Ben wanted him to, shifting under his pressure, running fingers through Ben's hair. He hadn’t felt this good since… well, you know how long. Hux completely succumbed, this new Ben better and much improved from the last Ben. Still the same, yet it was like he'd gotten the confidence he’d been lacking before.

Hux was a cheap date though, and it didn't take much to get him off. He'd been jerking off irregularly, and someone elses touch, especially Ben's, drove him over the edge. Ben's confidence was fed by the way he made Hux writhe, straining on the bed as his balls tightened. Hux gasped, moaned out loud, he couldn’t help it. “Oh, Ben-“ He moaned. He came warm and salty, and Hux was pulled out of his thoughts by a faint gagging noise.

Ben had been all the way down when Hux came, and Ben wasn’t really sure what he was supposed to do. So he gagged, spurting out some wetness before he sucked hard, swallowing what he could. Then he continued for a few more seconds, to make sure Hux was thoroughly sucked off.

When Hux tangled fingers in his hair and balled up his fist, tugging a bit, Ben let up. He slipped off, giving Hux one final swipe to his tip which made Hux flinch away and hiss under his breath. Then Ben crawled over Hux, eyes dragging over his sloping stomach, over soft ribs that protruded a bit _too much,_ before he planted a wet, salty kiss on Hux’s lips.

Hux groaned, opening his mouth but trying to get out of it. He turned his head away, finally able to get a breath. “That’s disgusting.”

Ben chuckled quiet and low, a hand on either side of Hux, his knees pressed up hard under the back of Hux’s thighs. He kissed Hux's neck softly, hair falling half on his face, then he quickly shifted to Hux's ears and said it like he knew what he was talking about. “You like it.”

“Absolutely.”


	9. Chapter 9

Ben sat back, one hand sliding to the outside of Hux's thighs. The other pushed his hair back, and he settled down, ass against the backs of his heels, in between Hux's legs. Hux was still half dressed, the top half covered and Ben did nothing to alleviate how awkward Hux felt, half naked while Ben was fully clothed. 

"Tell me more," Ben urged, gently.

"What about Rey?" Hux tried to steer away from their past.

"You know what, fuck Rey!" Hux raised an eyebrow at the exclamation. "She can post all the pictures she wants of us, we're still not getting back together."

Hux started slowly. "Me and Rey were friends. We graduated high school together. Same as Phasma. We were all friends. You met her the first week... by winter break freshman year, you were engaged."

"We were engaged for a year?" Ben tilted his head.

Hux nodded, "Just about." He couldn't take it, laying in half undress. So he pulled up his shirt, pulling it over his head and distributing it onto the floor. He arched up a bit, then settled back into the pillows.

"Hmm," Ben contemplating, looking away from Hux. "That sucks."

"Yeah."

"Not like that," Ben tapped Hux's thigh in faux-slap, and Hux couldn't help the smile on his face. Suddenly it was natural, the way he'd been teasing Ben. Hux wiggled, legs still open, cock still splayed out infront of Ben. But Ben was on a new topic, pondering.

"What happened? How'd we...?" He left the statement open ended.

Hux shrugged a bit. "We went to the bar. A bunch of my- our- friends were supposed to show up. It was just us. We had a good time." Hux sucked on his lower lip, before he smiled, slowly letting his lip roll out of his teeth. "We had a really good time. Then we-" he paused. "Well, we weren't done. So we came back here, and-" Hux didn't finish the sentence.

Ben nodded, staring at the wall, trying to remember, trying his damnedest to remember, but he couldn't. He turned his gaze back to Hux, and nodded. "Was it my first?"

Hux choked, addams apple bobbing as he stared at Ben. Ben's eyes were so dark, so deep, so... feeling. And Hux was so raw, so open and impressionable. Hux nodded stiffly. Ben exhaled almost in disappointment, looking away.

Then he stroked both hands around the back of Hux's thighs, and wrapped them up uder his knees. He pushed his thumbs in there, before he leaned over, kissing the inside of Hux's left knee, before he opened him wider.

"Show me," Ben said.

"Show you what?" Hux said, tensing.

"What we did. How to do  _it_."

Hux sat up slowly, propping himself up on one arm. He drew Ben in for a kiss, his lips warm and soft. Ben kissed him back, bending Hux in half as Hux led his hand.

Ben visibly trembled as he reached down, finger pressing between Hux's cheeks into his warmth, testing him. "You don't have to go  _that_  slow," Hux whispered into their kiss. Then Ben reached to the bedside table, and Hux pulled fully out of the kiss. He stared.

"You remember," Hux exclaimed.

Ben paused, looking over to where he was reaching. He let his hand fall, trying to remember if he really remembered. Then he shook his head slowly, "I still don't remember. But... it makes sense. I guess maybe it feels right. I don't know."

"Well don't stop," Hux urged and Ben continued what he'd been doing. Hux liked this, laying back on the pillows with Ben on top of him. Hux kept his legs open as Ben toyed with him, lithe fingers pressing in warm and slick.

Hux arched down towards him, brushing back Ben's hair, gorgeous locks in desperate need of a trim. But Hux loved it. Ben groaned as he pressed his groin into the sheets, still fully dressed, still only fingering Hux. He leaned into Hux's hand that cupped his cheek, their eyes meeting.

Hux opened his mouth to say something, but Ben silenced any sarcastic quip by pushing his fingers all the way in. Hux's words turned into a moan, and he reached down to touch himself. But instead he pushed Ben away, a bit rougher than he meant.

"Are you gonna get naked for me or what?" Hux muttered.

Ben laughed, he couldn't help it. He pulled away, and he knew Hux was pining for it. Ben glanced down at him, seeing how red Hux was, and he began to pull off his shirt.  "Why is this bed so small?" He said to himself as he got undressed.

"I don't know," said Hux who was finally on the move. He pushed Ben back, forcing him to lay down as Hux crawled over him. Hux lay on him, one leg between Ben's and he wrapped his fingers around Ben's length. They both groaned in unison, and immediately Ben thrust his hips up into Hux's hand. He pressed a hand against Hux's chest, forcing him to sit up. "Stop teasing."

" _I'm_ teasing?" He huffed.

"Sit up."

Hux did, wincing as he did so, his thighs already slick with salty sweat that got into his cuts. He leaned back, raising up over Ben as he added more lube, stroking him idly. Ben kept a hand on his hip as he finally lowered himself, his grip hard.

Hux hissed an inhale as Ben slipped into him, shifting left to right, opening his legs wider. It hurt, skin on open cuts. Hux winced, and Ben pulled Hux down harder on him.

Hux put a hand behind him on Ben's leg, leaning slightly back as he eased nearly all the way down. Then he began to move, slowly up and down, thighs spread as wide as he could. Ben ran his hand around Hux's waist, and up his stomach. He stroked fingers up, all the way up to Hux's chest. His other hand wrapped around Hux's cock and he whispered under his breath, "You're gorgeous."

Hux moaned, arching into Ben's fingers. Suddenly Ben sat up, pushing Hux over. Hux cried out and slammed a fist against Ben's shoulder. His other hand pushed Ben away, nails digging into his skin.

Ben gasped, sitting back a bit. "What?"

"I can't-" Hux huffed, and Ben slid out of him. "It hurts, I can't," he let out a trembling whisper. They both knew what he meant, and Ben nodded.

"Here, let's do it like this," Hux said as he slowly rolled over, putting his ass up in the air.

"Okay," Ben ran his palm over Hux's back, Hux instinctively arching away from it, down towards the bed. Ben slipped back in, and he leaned down, forward over Hux to kiss his shoulder.

Hux moaned into his arm, reaching down to touch himself. Ben's grip was hard, like he was afraid Hux would get away. He pressed thick lips against Hux's warm skin and closed his eyes. He willed himself to remember what it was like before, but he knew the memories were gone.

He moved faster, pulling Hux back onto him as he surged forward. Hux was panting by the time Ben was ready to come, breathing hard into his arm, all the pain from the cuts seemed like a distant memory now. "Ben-"

"Fuck, ah-" Ben came hot and hard, moaning when, not a half second later, Hux tensed around him.

Hux moaned too, more high pitched than Ben, more lascivious but sincere. Hux trembled as Ben slowed, panting above him, his forehead dotted with sweat.

Finally Ben slid out, slowly pulling back until he could collapse on the bed. Hux collapsed forward, legs still spread and eyes closed. Next to him, Ben could sweat he heard Hux give out a quiet pout, but hid his face in the comforter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically this is THE END, but the next chapter is of their first hook up and will be posted shortly!


	10. Chapter 10

Hux showed up a few minutes late. He was always running late, always a bit flustered. Always busy, swamped with 18 credits. He looked around, pulling off his gloves slowly.

The bar was quiet for a Wednesday night, a few people sparsely spread about. Someone was playing pool by themselves, and the back of the bar was lit since it was a weeknight. At the bar, Hux saw Ben sitting by himself. It struck him as strange, he wondered where Rey was.

He walked up; him and Ben had rarely spoken very much to each other. Rey usually dominated the conversations with Ben, but they were both history majors, and even had one shared class together.

"Hey," Hux said.

"Oh hey."

"No Rey?"

"Nah, she had a group project meeting. And Phasma's sick, I think she's got the flu."

"Damn, okay. Well, I guess its just us."

Hux sidled into the chair next to Ben, feeling awkward. It dawned on both of them about just how little they'd actually spoken to each other over the past year or so of their acquaintanceship. They both fell silent until Hux's beer arrived.

He had a fake ID, but they didn't ask for it anymore at this bar. They'd never carded Ben, because he looked old enough, and because his bar prowess came naturally. Hux picked up his beer and took a sip, glancing at Ben.

"So how was your day?"

"Good, good," Ben looked up at one of the televisions playing any number of sports games. "You started that worksheet for 170?"

Hux cracked a smile; so Ben had noticed him in class. I mean, why wouldn't he? They were friends-ish, even if they didn't sit near each other.

"Yeah, actually. I just finished it, right before I left."

"Really?"

"Yeah," they both laughed quietly.

"Hey, are you into conspiracy theories?" Ben asked.

Hux tilted his head to the side, observing Ben. He was cute, Hux could see why Rey liked him so much. And his nature was warm; Hux always thought he inclined towards Rey because they were engaged, but that seemed to be how he was with everyone. Hux tried not to lean in too much. "Um, depends, I guess. I'm not really into them."

"Hmm, well I am! They're ridiculous. Okay, so I watched this documentary about how Hitler didn't really die, you're gonna love this. How much do you know about WWII?"

Hux laughed incredulously, wondering if Ben actually believed in conspiracy theories. "Enough to know Hitler shot himself."

"BUT who told us that? The Germans!" The way Ben said it, his voice laced thick with sarcasm, made Hux laugh a bit more. Then Ben went into a small tirade about the documentary, causing Hux to feel a bit less awkward, and a bit more at ease.

By the end of two beers, Hux was spinning his chair idly back and forth and Ben was laughing a bit louder. Ben downed the rest of his drink, and Hux went to reach for his wallet.

"I don't have much money, but, I'm having a really great time-" Hux said.

"Me too!"

"Want to go back to my dorm? It's still pretty early."

"Sure! Maybe I can copy that worksheet while we're that."

"Okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I don't care," Hux laughed, and slid off the barstool.

* * *

Hux unlocked the door to his dorm room. He always kept it tidy, a habit born out of being raised in an Army household. He tossed his keys onto his desk, and took off his jacket after he turned on the light. Ben glanced around, noticing how tidy it was. He noticed the nice pack of felt tip pens on Hux's bookshelf, tucked up right next to his textbooks.

Hux went to his mini fridge, looking in. "I've got a few Smirnoff Ice's left, if you want one."

"Sure," Ben looked over the books on the shelf above the desk. "Wow, you're really into military history."

"My dad's in the Army, so yeah."

A smile grew on Ben's face as he glanced over at Hux. His eyes lingered a bit too long, they looked a bit too excited to see him bent over. Then Ben pulled out the desk chair and took a seat, and he started to unlace his boots quietly

Hux handed Ben one of the glass bottles, taking off his own boots and he crossed his legs infront of him on the bed as he sat down. When Ben was done with his shoes, he picked up the worksheet in one hand, drink in the other, and joined Hux on the bed. Hux vaguely registered Ben's proximity to him, and Ben seemed to notice Hux's eyes on him.

Ben glanced up, "Oh sorry, I hope you don't mind," he held up the paper.

"No, go right ahead. Like I said, I don't care." Hux took a sip of his drink. Now that they were in this room, and there was no noise in the background, things were quieter, less jovial. Hux watched Ben scan the worksheet, then looked away.

"So my dad got me this really expensive set of DVD's, it's like a 12-disc series on WWII."

"Really? Wow, that's awesome."

"Yeah."

"Hey, you didn't mention the embargo of 1807, when mentioning Thomas Jefferson."

"I didn't? Yeah I did, here," Hux leaned over and put his finger on the paper. "Under question four."

"Oh, right. That makes sense."

"Mmhmm," Hux said eagerly. He was glad to have someone else who knew what they were talking about in this field. Suddenly Ben looked up, he seemed startled.

Hux caught his eye, and they both stared. They were close, very close, so close Hux could feel Ben's breath on his hand where he was still pointing. Suddenly Ben leaned forward, pressing warm lips against Hux's own. Hux's mouth was slightly open, though he closed it as he kissed Ben back.

After a second Hux shoved Ben back with a hand on his shoulder, his eyes wide. "What are you doing?!"

"Kissing you," Ben said, staring.

"But Rey; you're engaged!"

"I don't want to be," Ben surged forward again, locking his lips on Hux's. Hux scooted back, tossing the worksheet to the floor. Ben crawled over him, placing his glass bottle on the ground next to the bed. Hux fell back, Ben crawling onto him, sliding a leg between his own. Hux broke away.

"Stop," he said definitively, though he set his bottle on the bedside table.

"Hux," Ben breathed, hovering over Hux. Hux searched his eyes left to right, trying to gauge him, to judge what his motives were. "I'm breaking it off with her," Ben whispered, then nuzzled his nose against Hux's.

"When?" Hux whispered back.

"Tonight, _if you let me fuck you_."

Hux sucked in a sharp breath, and even though the line was dirty, it sounded a bit too rehearsed "This isn't a porno."

Ben paused, giving some space between him and Hux. "I know. I'm not doing this because I watched porn-"

"So you're straight then."

"No-" Ben got a sour look on his face. Hux wrapped his arms around Hux's shoulders.

"Kiss me," Hux whispered. Ben sank his full weight into Hux, kissing him passionately. Hux kissed him back just as warmly, pressing the top of his thigh up between Ben's. But he pressed softly, immediately feeling the pain there.

Hux pulled out of the kiss and Ben whispered, "You smell so good." Hux stared up into Ben's face. Ben paused too, "What?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing," Hux said. He shoved Ben over a bit, and Ben took the hint. He rolled over onto his back, and watched Hux get up. "Well, get undressed."

"You're not going to help?"

"I'll help with some parts," he teased, crossing the room. He clicked on the desktop lamp, turning it to face away from them. Then he turned off the overhead light, setting the mood. He walked back over to the bed, peeling off his shirt as he went, and he slipped onto Ben.

He straddled him, stroking a hand down his bare chest. Ben squeezed his hips, and Hux leaned down to continue kissing him. It was immediately obvious that Hux had done this before, and Hux was pretty sure Ben had never been with another man.

Hux kissed him soft and lippy, grinding his hips down over Ben's crotch. He ground them in a circular motion, feeling the man underneath him. They lay kissing and cuddling for several minutes, the room quiet and dark around them.

Finally Ben rolled Hux over next to him, legs tangling together. Ben reached down to unbutton Hux's pants, and Hux was sly. He let his pants be pulled down just a bit, his length popping out. Ben hesitated, and Hux took his wrist, guiding him.

"Right there," he whispered, and Ben wrapped a dry hand around his length. Hux hummed quietly, tangling his fingers in Ben's hair as Ben began to stroke him. Ben followed Hux's instructions, running his thumb over Hux's tip, pressing it in just underneath. Hux was slowly moving with him, hips rocking back and forth ever so slightly.

Finally Ben went to pull down Hux's pants further, his own bulge itching to be released. "Wait," Hux whispered, and rolled Ben back over onto his back. Then he was the one to take Ben's pants off, peeling them off his ankles. Hux kissed down his stomach, tickling the dark tuft of hair swathed across his stomach.

He kissed at his base, tongue flat and warm on him. Hux looked up, seeing Ben watching him. He slid his tongue up Ben's length, letting him get a sight of himself before Hux swallowed him. Ben was quiet, breathing steadily as Hux licked at him.

He swirled his tongue around Ben's tip, just managing to get under the bump of it. After some soft teasing, he  sucked one of Ben's balls into his mouth. Finally Ben made a noise, a quiet inhale, and it made Hux smile, as much as he could anyways.

"Are you just gonna blow me all night?" Ben muttered.

Hux looked up, finally releasing Ben from his jaws. "No," he muttered, kissing his tip. It made Ben twitch, and Hux climbed back up over Ben. Ben grabbed him around the waist, flipping him onto his back and Hux let out a quiet cry. Immediately Ben pulled down Hux's pants the rest of the way, and as he got them off Hux choked.

"Ben-"

"What?" Ben stopped, but followed Hux's gaze. He looked down, he could see Hux there, waiting for him, a straining red color. But Ben tilted his head to the side, a hand on Hux's thigh as he pulled his skin taut. The marks were unmistakeable, and Hux watched as Ben's previously flirty expression saddened.

He looked back up at Hux, and saw his own emotions mirrored in Hux's face. "What's wrong?" he whispered. Hux shook his head.

"A lot."

Ben crawled back over Hux, letting his thigh go. He gave Hux several soft, slow kisses. "Whatever it is," he brushed back some of Hux's hair that had fallen out of place, away from his eyes. "Don't think about it, just for tonight."

Hux nodded, blinking a bit more furiously, successfully blinking away his tears. He grabbed the lube from the bedside table, handing it to Ben and discarding a condom on top. "You can finger a girl right?"

Ben snorted, the sad moment passing them by. "Of course."

"It's kind of like that."

"Right," Ben was nervous. He slicked his fingers and settled down on the bed, one of Hux's legs pulled up over his hip. He reached around Hux, stroking gently, pressing one cheek open with his thumb. He pressed in a finger, a shiver running up Ben's spine as he did so. He'd been yearning to do this for so long.

Hux pressed back into his finger, his hips rotating back and forth like before. He urged Ben on, stroking fingers through his hair, kissing him back. Hot tongues pressed together, lips warm and quiet as they lay wrapped up together.

Hux broke their kiss, his hand stroking down Ben's cheek, over his lower lip. Ben spread his lips, and Hux slid two fingers into his mouth. Ben moaned, closing his eyes, sucking Hux's fingers. Hux depressed his tongue, but only for a second before he pulled his fingers out, and swiped them over Ben's tip.

He stroked him for only a few seconds before he wiggled away from Ben, a smirk on his face. Ben rolled over immediately ontop of him, and when he wrapped an arm around Hux's knee, forcing his legs up, Hux raised an eyebrow.

But he didn't stop Ben as he added more lube. It didn't hurt that much, skin on scars, since most of his cuts were healed. It'd been a couple days, and he'd started a self-care streak that usually only lasted a week or so, so he had healed fairly well.

Ben positioned himself, and he was sweating. Hux stroked a hand through his hair, fingers over his forehead and he drew him forward, into another kiss as Ben pushed forward. Ben slipped in, just barely, spreading Hux open wider than his two fingers had done.

Hux let out a quiet grunt, then held his breath as his other arm wrapped around Ben's waist. A hand on his lower back urged him forward, and Ben pressed in deeper. Ben shuddered, and Hux broke the kiss.

"You okay?" he whispered."

"Fuck, are you kidding?" He began to thrust in earnest, and Hux moaned in response.

They were a tangle of legs and grasping fingers, hot breath against Ben's shoulder while his hair obscured Hux's face. Hux moved with Ben, meeting him halfway, Ben starting to huff in his ear, quickly worked up. Ben thrust harder, nudging Hux's face to the side and he sucked on his ear, inhaling deep.

Hux scratched fingers down Ben's back lightly, and he bristled like a bird who'd just has fingers caressing up under its plumage. "Ah-" Ben moaned, nuzzling in deep.

Hux reached a hand over, putting it on Ben's arm that was holding his leg up. "Here, let go," he whispered.

Ben looked up, slowly releasing Hux's legs. Hux pushed him back, and Ben pulled out slowly. They both groaned, Hux breathing hard and fast as he slowly rolled over. Ben gave him room, Hux groaning before he pulled the pillow out from under the blankets. He pulled it down to where he was so he could hug it under him, putting his ass up in the air. Ben let out a grumble of approval, hand stroking over one of Hux's cheeks as he positioned himself.

Then he pressed back in slowly, moaning as he did so. He slid his hand from Hux's ass to his lower back, urging Hux to arch more, which he readily did. Ben leaned forward, over Hux as he thrust. Hux moaned into the pillow, eyes half lidded. He grasped the pillow with one hand, the other reaching down to play with himself. He could feel Ben's eagerness, the way he shifted forward, trying to go as deep as he could.

Ben whispered from behind him, "Fuck, I've always wanted to do this." Hux moaned in response, his hand twisting faster around himself.

"Ben," Hux whispered, before he moaned louder. He knew his neighbors, if they were home, would know what was happening. Soon everyone would. Ben worked his way in as deep as he could before he was unable to contain himself.

He came hard and hot, slamming into Hux with a hard thrust, one hand gripping his hip to bruising. Hux choked, coming onto his blankets, eyes shut tight as he gasped, mouth hot and dry as Ben filled him. The condom lay discarded on the bedside table still.

Slowly Ben sat up. He was shaking all over, his entire body trembling as he scooted back. He heaved breath, uneven pattern not matching Hux's. Hux hissed as Be pulled all the way out, and collapsed next to him, panting like he'd just run a race.

Hux pushed the pillow away, his hips lowering on the blanket. He shifted over, grunting as he scooted Ben closer to the edge of the bed to avoid the puddle. There they panted next to each other, neither really sure what to say.


End file.
